Hawk of Hope
We come into this world as a blank slate – each year learning more of the world around us, the world before us, and who we want to be. We eventually hit a point of reckoning - a point of questioning and unlearning the conditions forced upon us. Sure, I can tell you my favorite color is orange, I love vanilla ice cream, and the moon is my compass. But, to know me is to know I am challenging the way we live in this world. But I am not all heavy-spaghetti. I naturally have a light heart, love the sky, and enjoy the presence of others.
As an identical twin, I am used to having company, sharing things, and being part of something other than myself. I love laughing, creating art, playing basketball, meditating, and helping people. But I lack confidence when talking about myself. I am hoping to find my voice and the ability to speak fearlessly with large groups of people about who I am, and my mission to change the world with compassion.
Since this life is more than me, I am willing to be vulnerable and share pieces of myself, so you understand the Jacque I am today.
This chapter of my life is called Hawk of Hope. Hawks are my spirit animal and they have shown up for me consistently since 2023 – what I consider my darkest year. Between health issues and heartbreak, I reached the depths of my sadness and had to find my hawk of hope in each day.
Less than a year ago, I was diagnosed with a mixed connective tissue disease – which is a fancy way of saying I have multiple autoimmune diseases attacking my body at once. This information cemented what I already knew - I had to change the way I live. I had to release control. Whether I move with ease or do the things I enjoy was no longer up to me. Most mornings were riddled with pain after long, sleepness nights and a rigor-mortis-like stiffening of my bones. The simple movements of getting out of bed and getting ready for a shower hurt more than any pain I have ever experienced before.
Until then.
Months later, my then-fiancé decided we should go separate ways in this world– ending our 5-year relationship, parenting the boys and owning a home together. Most days I can’t figure out which hurts more - the deep crumbling feeling of my bones or the destruction of my heart and soul. There are now 3 pockets of sadness in my heart, as everything I knew to be safe, to be life, to be home, changed - again! I watched the colors of my soul blend from hues of pink, orange and purple to dark blue with midnight-gray.
Fast forward to present, we are witnessing a genocide on the people of Gaza that has wreaked havoc on my soul once more…
The feels like the sadness continues to pile on, having no way to dispose of it. Thee feelings often seeps into my bones and manifests as aches and pains I can no longer ignore. With movement comes memories and with each breath comes a sigh of disbelief. But, with each day, I hold on to my hawk of hope.
All of these events have challenged what I know, how I think, and who I am.
Each day I wake up with pain AND gratitude for what comes easy today may not be same tomorrow. Some days I feel like a ton of bricks cascading down the side and other days I glide effortlessly as a hawk in the sky. This constant uncertainty is a reminder to be present and to take care of myself. But, the word “care” always feels very vague and very specific. Like, only I know what it is.
I have decided to embark on a journey of self-care and mental healing to not only save myself, but hopefully help others, by being transparent about my struggles. You see, we live in a world where we are perceived as weak if we stumble or fall, but I believe it’s all part of who we are.
On this “journey”, I have traded in my love of craft beer for the warmth of soup, playing basketball for long walks, and therapy sessions over silencing my thoughts. I’ve learned my body needs to heal from the inside-out, and everything we eat, drink, and think manifests in our bones. I have also followed my hawk of hope in darkness and in light, as I walk away from the life I once knew.
Rather than forcing alignment with people, places, and things, I am working on acceptance, change, and holistic healing.
it.is.tough!
And I know that I am far from perfect - I have hurt people and I have made mistakes. I know karma is real and I know I continue to stumble as I find my way. I know I have never been here before and I know I need to allow myself grace, for change is the most beautifully, dark, brilliant, distant, and confusing phase to be in. But, I continue to show up for myself and hold myself accountable. I am finding my compass again, finding my something beautiful, and finding my wings.
I find when we live in a way that promotes truth, empathy, kindness, and compassion for ourselves, we allow others to do the same - being a hawks of hope.
I thank you again for your time and energy.
With peace and love,
Jacque
