Leap of Faith
Sometimes you need a change…a change of pace. A change of scenery. And a change of self.
There’s an old adage that goes “if nothing changes, nothing changes”.
But when you think about it, life is always changing. We all move through this world with our own thoughts, our own problems, our own feelings, and our own experiences. We get hurt and we get happy. We get overwhelmed and we get sad. Sometimes we even feel a hint of hope and a tinge of despair. It’s a lot to process and a lot to grow through.
I've learned, change is about reclaiming your power! At some point you have to realize you have control over what’s next. You can’t decide everything, but you can decide your next move. You can decide to rewrite your story. You can decide to take a leap of faith.
What is a leap of faith, you ask? You read about it in books and you hear about it in movies. But what does it really mean?!? Well, it means something different to everyone. It depends on personal factors, such as who you are, what’s your story, and where do you want go from here. It could be a small leap - like, starting a new hobby, or a massive leap like starting a new life journey. The leap will mean something different to you, to me, to everyone. And that’s the beauty of it. It’s not predefined.
My life has taught me from a young age that everything changes and we have to find ways to thrive in the unknown. Because of that, people think I am adventurous and always ready for something new. The truth is, I am methodical about life. I crave stability - the stability that I didn’t have as a child.
Let me just say, my parents did their best given the circumstances…
I am 1 of 5 children. My mom had two sets of twins and we’re all two years apart *mind blown*
My twin and I are the youngest, and we were the tender age of 7 when our dad got cancer
Our mom always worked 2-3 jobs to provide
We didn’t have a lot of food, new clothes, go on vacations or have a “normal” upbringing
We moved almost every year as a way to get into nicer neighborhoods, but sometimes we didn’t have a choice on the matter
At 18, our dad was hit by a car and killed
I told you, a lot happens to all of us…
What I’ve learned is that I enjoy the comfort of knowing what’s next and that I need to be in control of my life to feel secure. But if I am being really honest, I also feel secure in the chaos because it's all I know, it’s the energy I grew up in. When everything is changing, there is no time to process or feel. (Sometimes I think that’s better.) Over the years I have realized, I…am…tired. My body is tired. My mind is tired. My soul is tired. I sense it's time to follow a different path. A slower path. A path of deeper healing. Because comfort and chaos should not be mutually exclusive.
A little backstory for you. Nine years ago I quit my job with no real plan other than a two week adventure on the West Coast. I was terrified! I didn’t know what was next in life.
Instead of worry, I decided to let go. We walked the Golden Gate Bridge; Traveled the Pacific Coast; Drank fresh water from Mt. Hood; Saw orcas swimming in the Columbia River; And even got tattoos. It was the reset life needed. It was a leap of faith that ultimately changed the trajectory of my life.
That bold, i-need-to-change-something-now leap led me on a nine year journey, building me into the person I am today. I am an activist, an artist, a designer, and a dreamer.
So now it’s time - time for my next leap of faith. It’s time for me to make a change. A change of pace. A change of scenery. And a change of self…
The last year and a half has been difficult. It’s been painful. It’s been life shattering and indescribable. In April 2023 I was diagnosed with a mixed connective tissue disease (MCTD) and a few months later my fiancé and I split up - this changed everything I knew. This left me unstable, and I crave stability.
I had to say goodbye to my health, my house, my family, my cats, my step-kids, my happiness, and myself.
And that short list doesn’t express the profound heartbreak and pain I have felt. OR the amount of times I felt discarded, unworthy, or homeless. OR the amount of times I had to ask for help. OR the amount of times I struggled, silently.
But I am here – holding on to hope.
In the last year, I managed to thrive in my new management role, host 2 art shows and 2 fundraisers, stand up for justice, protest for Palestine, form community friendships, and build a new foundation on love and compassion. None of this would have happened without living and breathing in survival mode. The survival mode I learned as a child.
In this state of mind it’s easy to put all of our effort into existing from one day to the next. When it starts to settle, you realize just how much you went through, how much you internalized, how much you struggled, and how much you survived. It’s in that realization that you begin to crave change, and you know you can be happy, again.
I can’t change what happened to me, but I can control where I go next. It just takes a leap of faith to find my something beautiful in the chaos.
I have spent many months lost in thought, in therapy sessions, journaling my feelings, and listening to the universe to get me where I am today. If I am being honest it’s been soul searching and deep depression. It’s been sleepless nights and tear-stained eyes. It’s been endless sadness and constant grief. Honestly, I thought I was broken. It was only then I realized I have been grieving the collective loss of my past life, but different parts of it, and at different stages. What felt like a surge of sadness over and over and over again, with no end in sight, was only a part of the process - a part of me realizing - when all is lost, all is left to gain.
So, I have decided to rewrite my story. Even with all the darkness I have endured, I have to remind myself that I am deserving of an easier life, and my future is full of light.
Today, I am walking away from my trauma, but I am also walking away from my security, my stable income, my promotion, my community, and everything I have worked for in Pennsylvania to move to New England. I don’t know what New England holds for me, and that's okay. I didn't know quitting my job nine years ago would bring me to this exact moment in life, either.
Sometimes you need a change. A change of pace. A change of scenery. And a change of self…
Oh, there’s one final message I want to leave you with…I am terrified!
…And that’s exactly why I know I should do this.
