Sober October

New England has been good to me. Life has been fast, the people have been kind, the drinks have been flowing, and the adventures seem plentiful. But in this moment, I need a break - specifically an alcohol break.

This year I am participating in #SoberOctober! It needs no declaration but I am making one anyway because sobriety and choosing myself is worth celebrating. I know I don’t drink much anymore, and fall beer is the best beer, and it’s whiskey-outside-weather, but, none of that matters if I am not feeling well.

It all started roughly 6 weeks ago when I finally knew I was moving to Massachusetts. When the feeling and the moment became real and the realization turned into a to-do list taller than I am. It was a cyclone of thoughts, feelings, emotions, and scheduling hangouts. It felt, like, within a blink of an eye I was sorting, donating, packing, and seeing everyone that I could fit into my schedule. Most days were filled with 8-10 hours of work, last-minute appointments, meeting up with people, and consuming more drinks than usual. Don’t get me wrong, the last 6 weeks were made-up of endless laughter and fandango fun, memories I can’t remember, and some I won’t forget. But it’s also been 6 weeks of exhaustion, bad food choices, and inconsistent sleep that warped into a too-tired-too-care-about-myself mentality.

All that to say: I am, and have been, out of balance.

Im not proud of it, but I’ve missed my medicine several times, fallen off my holistic routine, resorted back to greasy foods, and found comfort in beer and whiskey. I have allowed myself grace during this time, given the transition and all, but I’ve hit a wall. This wall has shown me I am disconnected from who I am and who I want to be. I haven’t been able to create art or untangle my thoughts in weeks. It’s a sign. It’s time to get back to me and putting my health first.

Over the last 6 months, I have been working on balance and learning to live at slower pace. A pace that rejuvenates my mind and my body. A pace that leads to less excruciating pain and promotes healthy living.

Back to #SoberOctober. It’s difficult, NGL. The the air is cooler, the beer is darker, the fire pits are burning, and the feeling of autumn fun is tugging at me. I know soon I will rest into the cold winter months and feel like I have missed out on this season.

What gets lost in my brain is that I can enjoy most of these moments without alcohol.

So, I remind myself: sobriety is not new to me. This time sobriety is less of a whim or a trend, and more of a centering for myself. My body is telling me to do this. My mind is telling me to do this. My soul is telling me to do this. Sobriety is exactly what I need to get back on track. I know I will miss beer and whiskey, and I know I won’t be perfect at it this month, but I also know I will be an active participant in taking care of myself again.

I knew moving to a new state and starting a new life was going to take a toll. I knew I was riding a slippery slope and I was enjoying every moment of it. I knew I was chasing a high and I would reach this point. I knew all of this. And I also knew the level of difficult it would be to actually do something about it once I got started.

You see, I struggle with living in the moment and listening to what my body needs. I struggle with accepting my limitations while pushing the boundaries of my desires. I struggle with this because much of my freedom to choose was taken away from me a year and a half ago with the diagnosis of my connective tissue disease. I am no longer in control, my body is, or at least it feels that way. So every now and then I tend to chase moments and overdo it. I overcorrect and overindulge. I tip-toe the line, that’s for sure. It’s not only with alcohol, it’s with pizza, baked goods, and all the things I am not supposed to have anymore. Over time, I come back to myself and realize, I want to do better. I need to do better.

I accept this is something I still struggle with. And that’s normal…right?

I share all of this so others know it’s okay to struggle, it’s okay to have these internal battles, it’s okay to have these feelings, these thoughts, and these choices. It’s okay to analyze your habits, how you feel, what you think, and how you respond. You don’t get to a level of understanding the way you move or think each day without being in tune. And I’ve been out of tune. For weeks now. I am watching myself live and partake in these moments, but I am also feeling the consequences of those actions.

My mind is foggy. My clarity is clouded. My perspective is blurred.  My body feels broken. My bones are getting stiff. My muscles ache. My fingers are swelling and turning purple. My belly hates me. And my overall quality of movement is suffering. These are all signs of my disease and signs I need to slow down, again. I need to remove alcohol. I need to eat better. I need to sleep better. I need to be active (in a good way). I need to start journaling. I need to get back to 5am yoga and meditation. I need to start being creative. I need to get back to my Ayurveda diet and lifestyle. Ultimately, I need to take accountability.

So, I took my leap of faith and now it’s time to steady myself again.

Just about every aspect of my life has changed in the past 10 days and I don’t think I’ve even processed 90% of it because of over indulging in the moments. It’s almost, like, how does so much change so quickly and we’re barely aware? Even when we are present? How does the sun and the moon rise each day without us taking notice? How did everything about my life transform and I not take a moment to breathe it in?

Or, have I been breathing it all in and now it’s settling?

There’s two interesting ways to look at it, and I agree with both. Either way, I need to step back from the chaos and rest into my routine. I need to rest into my bones. I need to rest my soul, once more. So, I’ve decided #SoberOctober is the way to go. I’d love to hear what you think and how you are transitioning with the season.

P.S. Expect more from me on resting easy during this Autumn season.